I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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