When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
