I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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