so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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