new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
