1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
