I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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