That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
