Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
this beer tastes like vomit already
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
