Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
