chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
