the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
