How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
