The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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