highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
