remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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