I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
