I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
