I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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