Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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