HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
