About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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