Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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