theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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