Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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