How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
