hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize