Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
