i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
