I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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