At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
