So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize