I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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