if i can run in heels then i can drive
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
