Having a random hookup so left but love u
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
