Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
