I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
