Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
