i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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