you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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