we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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