I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
