I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
