i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you inspire me to be a worse person
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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