It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
