I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Randomize