what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
