I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
from now on my penis is your penis
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
