do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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