Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
