My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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