what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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