I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize