I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
