Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
