Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize