We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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