There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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