Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize